Epiphany

As I was getting ready for work this morning I had an epiphany and I feel like I should share it with you. I have always had a bad body image. I have no idea where it came from. I have started a new job and meeting new people. One day last week I noticed one of my co-workers profiles. I am the ripe old age of 24 and 3/4 ;) She is my age, maybe a few years younger, but not much. What I noticed was her behind. Instantly I thought 'her butt looks like my butt' . Excuse me while I digress. My behind has been described by many (men and women) as 'cute' some have called it a 'booty' my nick-name in Jr. High was 'hot-buns'....you get the idea. As the day went on I noticed my reflection in one of the many full-length mirrors at work. My behind did not look like hers. It looked....different. It is not saggy (yet) but it is not as 'bubbly' as hers, 'maybe it is my pants, they are a little big' I thought. My day quickly ended and I went home, and changed into my comfy clothes (sweatpants and a tank top) and yet again looked in the mirror. Alas. My ass was still different. I started to worry, and thought about counting calories, maybe I should do weight watchers again. But life happened and I tried not to notice my butt. Then. Today it hit me. Let me just say I am no playboy bunny. I have a womans body. Not a 25 year old body but the body that comes with the joy of motherhood. When I was young I was petite, I did not fit into the clothes at 'Limited Too' until I was 13. I might have fit into a 00 then. I remember one Christmas my mom had purchased me some very cute pants, in the size I was wearing at that time. By the time I got to put them on I had grown out of that size. I didnt understand. I didnt gain any weight. My pants didnt fit. I struggled with the idea that I needed bigger pants. As time went on I accepted that size (I didnt stay there long) I came to rest in my size 7 pants, I figured that is where I would stay. The 'powers that be' had different plans. I watched my body that was no longer my own change once again. I watched my belly grow. At first my jeans felt tight, then they were tight, then, they were uncomfortable, I did the 'rubberband trick' then that stopped working. I cried as I bought maternity jeans. I bought one pair. Eventually they didnt fit. After I had my baby I watched my breasts fill with milk making my D cups become monsters. I didnt wear a bra until my milk dried up, about two weeks. I lost a cup size, I was 21 with saggy boobs. Once again, my body changed. It was mine again, but it was shrivled, and stretched. As always time passed (thank goodness) and my body 'normalized' . Slowly my stomach began to shrink, my breasts firmed up. I lost the baby weight, and then gained it back, and then some. At my largest I weighed 200 lbs. I was determined to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 130, size 7. I would loose weight and then gain it back, and then loose it and gain it back. Then, today, It dawned on me. I will never again wear a size 7. I will probably not weigh 130 ever again, unless I am very sick. After some time passes, my body will change once again, with every pregnancy, and eventualy with menopause. Then again, as I age. So if you have continued reading this, I realized that most of my body image issues acutally stem from very natural changes that I had never even thought of. So, no I do not have a 'booty' anymore, I dont know what I have...but I think I am finally ok with it.